It's my 6 month blogging anniversary. This is my 100th post. Oh how cool.
This is going to be minimal on the words, heavy on the photographs. I've discovered I never liked the frosting on frosted mini wheats and the mini bites have far too much sugar to wheat ratio. I still love jeggings. I eat sandwiches and veggies like a pro. I proctored an exam at an elementary school and had to channel my inner librarian. (like that's really difficult.) Squash are a staple. I've been contemplating Hamlet an awful lot as of late. I channeled Ophelia today.
I don't know if any of you recall, but when I first posted of my ED, I referred to it as "she." This was a response to the fact that it often feels like you are being told by your ED what you can and cannot do. I felt controlled by "her," unable to fight the things the voice said to me. I had a inner dialogue that seemed like two beings that could not possibly be the same. What's the truth?
We are the same.
This voice, this force, this disease, whatever you want to call it is me. I am the one who tells myself I am inadequate. I am the one who says that is too much on my plate. I am the one who says bones are good, curves are bad. Today I was looking at old pictures of myself and I realized something that I have realized 100 times before, but somehow always forget: When I am at a healthy weight, I look better.
I'm not saying I magically become Adriana Lima. I'm saying that when I am not at my healthy weight, I look sick. My skin looks dull, I break out more, My face is more hollow, I don't glow.
I know this. This has always been a fact. Then why do I keep telling myself I must loose?
I have no answer. But it's a good question. Right now, I'm in the middle. I'm not on either end of severity that I have been before. Lately I've been stressing over my weight, thinking I'm gaining but...well, it's sort of funny. I'll explain: I went so long without a period that I never got used to the usual gain/loss of water retention. Every few weeks I start to freak out, wondering why, how I am gaining weight. Then I look at a calendar and realize....oh....it's that week, huh? Told you it was funny.
Well, I say that but it isn't really. Not when I won't eat because I feel the fat multiplying and the thought of adding one more horrid calorie makes me actually cry. Not when the hunger headache prevents me from enjoying my night and I feel sick to my stomach which just becomes one more excuse not to eat. I ate some oatmeal when it got to 24 hours without food....(I actually ate plain oatmeal, not this bowl of oats....) Otherwise it's this... or this... and lots of this.... **Note: while writing this, my iTunes has played "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life" twice. Someone knows too much for a machine.... I had a very difficult time last night. I could not understand why these thoughts were back, and I hated that I felt that it was a good thing that they controlled me. I misspoke. There is no they. I control myself. I am in control and if I want to nurture my body, damnit I will. I am stronger than this. When these things happen, I tend to need....my fix. I'm getting the itch for ink, so expect to see something new soon.
I'll leave you with some lyrics that put my current thoughts into words:
"12 needle injection, Stroked on skin with affection The buzz of her diced tattoo machine Makes me wanna cry for more
In for another kick, my skin gets its fix My body takes a new form, I'm getting reborn Yeah, I need my ink injection Baby lou tattoo!
Full thrust on the machine, pins on to my skin I'm getting my soul reapplied While my skin is getting dyed"
(Remember, remember the 5th of November) It's oh so very cold. Which means I get to wear scarves and drink hotttttt Earl Grey (with just a TOUCH of Gin....ger).
[I realize literally no one understood that reference....but making it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside...or maybe that's the gin. Kidding, kidding.]
In case you were wondering: In Kittie's life breakfast remains cereal: Clifford Crunch, Millet puffs, freeze dried strawberries, almond milk, and coffee.
Lunch keeps sportin' the sandwich: TJ's flax pb and apple butter. With a new companion, Mr. Cheeto. And dinner last night was spaghetti squash! (my personal favorite squash) with butter beans and a pumpkin roll. Spaghetti squash is so buttery and delicious.
There is one thing that I would like to add. This....is getting me through the day. Perhaps it could help one of you?:
"By very slow degrees, and with frequent relapses that alarmed and grieved my friend, I recovered." -Mary Shelley, Frankenstein
Little plum-cake Monster got a visit from her momma yesterday. She treated her college girl very, very, uhm....verrrry well. Three Betsey Johnsons, Calvin Klein, kitchen ware, and Marvel? Somebody is loved. Kittie's food supply was also very low. The fruit bowl was completely empty. Momma bear helped! For lunch, she took me to a cafe that is down the street from my university. The owners are from Germany and began their bakery because they realized bread here sucks....they bake some awfully legit bread. I got some loggers rolls and pumpkin rolls to take home. (calm down, I know I said pumpkin, but calm down.) I had a logger roll, country whole wheat, and bauernbrot (omg so good! there baked potatoes in the dough...) for dinner with other snackities. She also got me froyo. LOVED, I tell you. LOVED. Since I got groceries, I got to eat a different cereal for breakfast! haha. Good thing too because I only had about 1 serving of Clifford crunch left. And I ended lunch with a fresh pear and some Halloween candy!
I. Love. Cereal. Thank you Cereal, for being my breakfast.Give it up for Mr. Cereal!
Ode to one of the greatest breakfast foods (NOT oatmeal): You go well with fruit and coffee... ...and with fruit and juice. You Snap, Crackle, and Pop. You go well with yogurt. And with fruit. You are the star of my favorite dessert, rice crispy treats: Oh wait....that isn't rice crispies....is that...? Kettle Corn. Hellz yuh.
When you have this much kettle corn.....you need to figure out something to do with it. I didn't want to make popcorn balls. Too messy. I adore marshmallow everything. I adore rice crispy treats. So I whipped up these Salty/Sweet Popcorn Treats.
Marshmallow Kettle Corn Treats:
6 cups kettle corn
4 cups mini marshmallows
3 T butter
1. Grease a glass casserole dish, set aside 2. Melt butter in a saucepan 3. Add marshmallows and heat until they melt completely and begin to bubble 4. Mix in the kettle corn and coat completely in marshmallow 5. Press into casserole dish and let cool before cutting
Makes about 24 squares
Make Vegan by using 1 tub Ricemellow or equal amount vegan marshmallows and butter substitute. Nom. They can also be made into marshmallow popcorn balls. Just grease your hands and form into tight balls before the mixture cools.
I'm in college. I'm a vegetarian (who leans on the vegan side) in the South. I read. I write. I observe the stars...because deep down, we're all just a bunch of Wordsworths, here.
I've discovered I never liked the frosting on frosted mini wheats and the mini bites have far too much sugar to wheat ratio.
I still love jeggings.
I eat sandwiches and veggies like a pro.
I proctored an exam at an elementary school and had to channel my inner librarian. (like that's really difficult.)
Squash are a staple.
I've been contemplating Hamlet an awful lot as of late. I channeled Ophelia today.
Fin.
