28 September 2010

I Love Cookies

Okay, first I would like to say sorry!

I have been so busy that I barely sleep. Needless to say, I didn't have time to blog. I honestly don't even have any good pictures from the last week. I eat tons of sandwiches and salads. Overnight oats have been a must because I don't have time for anything else. With that being said, I'm going to get into why I began this post.

Cookies are probably my favorite dessert food in the entire world. Aside from peanut butter cups, cookies are number one (combine the two and you have a foodgasm.) But when's the last time you saw a cookie on here? I remember once. Twice actually because I split the one cookie in two. Sure, I bake cookies all the time...for other people. My dad always asks "Why do you bake cookies and not eat them?" "I baked them for you," Is always my reply. The truth?

I baked them to fill some sick void I have. Maybe baking them and smelling them and testing my willpower to it's utmost extent will somehow be like eating one. Because not eating one is just as satisfying as eating one. What? Okay...so I guess that's just what the ED part of me says. But she believes it.

The point of this? I want some damned cookies.
I'm fucking baking cookies this weekend.
Then what?
Then I'm eating not one, not a nibble, not the tiny one I made with leftover dough, but TWO warm cookies with a cool glass of almond milk.
Can I do it? I can. Am I scared? I am so scared. I'm terrified.
I haven't even breached 1,300 calories on any given day and I am still certain I'm gaining weight. I need to get my mind under control.
Will this help me gain control? I have no idea but we'll see.

I want to feel love for cookies again. They aren't evil.

18 September 2010

The wheels on the Saturn stop going round and round.

(Note that The Colonel has never been that shiny...or parked in the grass on an incline leading to a pond...)

The Colonel died today.....not once, not twice, not three but four times he died. The last time was in the parking lot of the auto repair shop that was a mile away from the first place he died. It took the poor thing an hour to make it a mile. :( When I finally had a friend bring me back to campus there were some things that needed to be done:

1. Bump the air up, turn on the fan, and take off your skinny jeans that you are currently bound to via sweat.
2. Change out of the clothes you've been in since Friday morning.
3. Wash your face, brush your teeth, and fix your lion's mane of hair.
4. Realize it's one in the afternoon and you haven't eaten.
5. Eat!

When I skip breakfast (which almost never happens) I feel like something is missing from my day so lunch has to be brunchy. It was.

Wolverine and Paddington bear helped cheer me up.
Cottage cheese & fruit, egg whites & nutritional yeast, ketchup & mustard, Apple bran muffin.

And because breakfast is my favorite, my snacks often resemble it also.
Kashi Honey Sunshine & Kashi Honey H2H with dried figs, cinnamon, and almond milk on my Hello Kitty blanket. (Fact: I like Kashi H2H because it looks like cat food. I'm serious.)

I'm just gonna keep rolling with breakfast and show you what you've missed in my absence.
Carrot Cake Oats:
  • 1/2 c rolled oats
  • 1 c water
  • 1/2 t vanilla
  • 1/4 t ginger
  • 1/8 t nutmeg
  • 1/2 t cinnamon
  • Sweetener and salt to taste
  • 1/4 c Carrot shreds (from the salad bar) microwaved for 5 minutes or until tender
  • Vanilla yogurt covered raisins
  • Coconut Butter

Speaking of decadent, why not chocolate for breakfast?
Autumn Inspired Oat Bran:
  • 1/2 c Oat Bran
  • Cinnamon, cloves, sweetener, and salt to taste
  • 1 c water
  • 2/3 clementine, chopped
Topped with:
  • Dark Chocolate Covered Pomegranate seeds
  • Pepitas
  • Almond butter

Oops. I did it again:
  • 1/2 c oats
  • 1 c water
  • 1/4 c frozen blueberries
  • Cinnamon
  • Salt
  • Splenda
Topped with:
  • 1 T wheat bran
  • 1 T TJ's Tempting trail mix, the good part (aka only the chocolate, pb chips, and cashews)
Awh yeah, chocolate for breakfast is a certain do.

And last but not least, I have discovered the perfect formula for having cereal for breakfast that keeps me satisfied until lunch.
  • Use at least one type of cereal that is heavy on the fiber and one that is lower in fiber for bulk. (Here I used Brown Sugar Oatmeal Squares and Kix)
  • Use yogurt not skim milk or almond milk, I need the extra protein to stay full. (I used 1/4 c Blackberry CarbMaster)
  • Add nuts not nut butter. (Slivered almonds are my favorite.)
  • Add Wheat Bran or Wheat Germ (Wheat Bran used here.)
  • Add fruit for deliciousness and fiber/bulk. (Frozen blueberries were what I had)

14 September 2010

Can't Send me to Rehab

When a bulimic relapses it's about as glorious as a heroin addict relapsing. The bathroom floor is about as fantastic as an alley or abandoned house. The toilet is about as clean as a pre-used needle. In both cases, fingers, man's tools, being used against him. But then there's NA and if a drug addict can swallow pride and ask for help, they have a place to go where people understand their struggle. All I have is an empty, dark dorm room. The tears, they too come from the same place of shame.

I thought that being in a new environment would not shock me back into this but it has.

I woke up with a stomach that was completely empty, burning, aching, feeling twisted and knotted. I'm so afraid to eat, to feel food in my stomach because I don't know what I'll do this time. This is all I can stomach for now:
Clean, simple, light on the stomach.
Bite by bite, I try to trust myself again.

I don't have NA or AA. I have this blog. This is my confession, my guilt.

12 September 2010

Like a Fine Wine....

...this is the longest brewed batch of overnight oats ever. How long? One week. haha. I wanted to use rice for part of it this time but I needed a container for the leftover rice, I didn't have one so I went ahead and put it in the pb jar. I added some yogurt and almond milk to keep it from drying out over the week. Friday night I added the other ingredients before realizing that we had a planned power outage for this morning (Sunday) so I couldn't use the microwave so I should save them for Sunday. So the oats and rice and all soaked for an extra day.
This made for the best raisins everrrrr. I never eat raisins without somehow plumping them in the microwave or boiling water or overnight oats. I added them on Monday with the rice hey were so plump!

  • 1/2 c cooked brown rice
  • 1/4 c oat bran
  • 2 T wheat bran
  • 1 t quinoa (LOVE this in overnight oats)
  • 1 T raisins
  • 2 T Greek yogurt
  • 2 T almond milk
  • vanilla
  • cinnamon
  • salt
  • splenda
  • water (I made this one pretty soupy, no idea why I was just feelin' it.)
And as always, some cinnamon puffins for crunch. The extra fridge time made the pb really soak into the oats which I happened to love for this sort because I actually hate the cinnamon raisin pb. But mixed it in was yummy.

Guess what I did yesterday?
  • 5 Online quizzes for Public Speaking
  • 1 Online discussion post, two responses for Public Speaking
  • 1 Online quiz for Intro to Education
  • 6 Exercises for French
  • Read 50 pages of Homer's the Odyssey
  • Read 30 pages of my Education text book
Snackage to break up the monotony.
Dates, Laughing Cow, Kashi crackers.

Today I have to:
  • Read 40 pages of my Philosophy book
  • Read book XI of the Odyssey (The Kingdom of the Dead--excited!)
  • Write a response to a short film in French
As you can see, I'm busy. I was very frazzled yesterday and when I'm frazzled, I eat comfort food. I know I didn't post anything patriotic yesterday. It isn't because I don't care, I live in a military town. I know people who are overseas or have been before and I just feel that what I have to say isn't even a glimpse of what should be said.

I'll put it this way: reflect on yourself. Who do you have prejudices against? Why? Is your hate worth the energy? Probably not. People died and people are dying for hate so I put forth compassion because it's the only way I know to combat it.

That being said, yesterday I had a very comforting lunch without even realizing where it came from. I had this sandwich:
I'm hooked on open faced sammiches now. Laughing cow, cheese, tomato, onion, and pepper.
Sandwiches consisting of mayo, Kraft singles, and tomato are the ultimate comfort food to me. (Recently I've replaced mayo with Laughing Cow, it's really good.)

But the origin of this sandwich is NYC. The summer before my 8th grade year my family took a trip to NYC. We ate at nice restaurants at night so we would eat as cheap as we could for lunch. There was this little deli by our motel that was cheaper than any other place. I got the same thing every day, the tomato and cheese sandwich. I was obsessed with them. I got back home and I was like mom! I need one of those sandwiches! She just looked at me and handed me the bag of bread saying "There's Kraft cheese and a tomato in the fridge." Lol. So then I took one to lunch everyday with....
Goldfish! Here, with pretzel sticks as well.
The Big Apple. (Actually a pretty small apple from the cafe.)
Fizziness for my mouth sans caffeine. (49 cents at Aldi!)

I have got to show you my dinner. One thing was very, very special:
Sweet potato with coconut butter. It's the ambrosia of the gods. (Someone's been reading too much Homer) Oh my frak, it's like delight licked my tongue.
Seriously. Better than cinnamon, butter, basil, cumin, ANYTHING.

11 September 2010

Climbing the Mountain

I have mountains of paper to climb.
What's that?
The stack of labs I have to grade. Half are worksheets, half are essays.
What's that?
The stack of text books I have to read from.

This is my weekend.
"Wow Kittie, you're really cool."
Yeah, I know. Shut up.

Wanna see some breakfasts? Yeah, I know you do.
Kashi honey H2H, corn and millet puffs, banana yogurt, banana, cashews.
Banana oats with pistachios and coconut butter. Tropical theme? It's ironic because I have an ugly picture of tropical oats due to this:
Not the tropics but I love it. Actually rain storms and tropics go together so there.
Sweet potato casserole oats. Sweet potato, quick oats, water, vanilla, maple syrup, ricemellow, praline pecans.

I eat tons of salads as well.
Dried apricots, pepper, and cottage cheese on salad=wonderful.

Dinners are usually also a quick salad because of night classes and my TA position but here are a few variations.
Lentil Soup from the cafe with Kashi crackers.
Veggie hot dog, mashed sweet potato (mixed it with apple sauce and cinnamon), cauliflower, and peas and carrots from the salad bar heated in the microwave.

And a few more notable items:

Apples a la Kittie:
Microwaved spiced apples, graham squares, Greek yogurt.

Oh. My. Gawd.
I love rice cakes. I have since I was a kid. Plain. Lightly salted or unsalted. I love 'em. This one was topped with almond butter and Autumn Butter.

08 September 2010


I've been loving on my favorite healthy fats lately: Avocado and Almonds/Almond butter. This morning I made something life changing. I documented it for you so you can change your life too.

First, make the oatmeal.

  • 1/2 c rolled oats
  • 1 c water
  • 1 t cinnamon
  • few dashes of nutmeg, cloves, ginger, salt, sweetener if you want
  • raisins
Microwave half a sliced apple with cinnamon and cloves. Put them on top.
Now, Add some slivered almonds, granola, and maple syrup.
Now hug me. You're welcome.
Yesterday I had some scrummy oats as well:
Chunky Monkey oats.
Featuring vegan chocolate chips, sun butter, almond butter, and banana chips. With decaf because I have banned myself from caffeine. I was drinking WAY too much. It's pretty much my one bad habit.

At lunch time yesterday I stocked on bananas:
If you ever see stacks of tomatoes or cucumber like that, I keep them and have a tupperware for them in my mini fridge. Instant sammich makings. I do it with onion and pickles too.

I ate the salad under all of that with these beauties:
Oh my gosh. I've never had an open faced sandwich in my life. I was actually going to put these two halves together but something stopped me. I'm so glad it did.
Smashed avocado and onion on one, hummus, tomato, and cucumber on the other with sweet potato chips.
Served with animal crackers...
...dipped in coffee.

Dinner involved more healthy fats in the form of black beans and guacamole I made by smashing up some avocado and adding salsa.
There was also brown rice, cauliflower, mushrooms, red and green peppers, Laughing Cow, and some more sweet potato chips!

I had a super random post workout snack last night:
Almonds, plum, pretzels, chocolate (to help my caffeine withdraw headache without having coffee, tea, or soda).

I had even more healthy fats for lunch with an almond butter/banana tortilla.
Cinnamon on half.
Oh my yumz....