I know I've gone over this but I'm about to leave for school, that means stress. What does stress mean? It means eating gets worse.
Control, control, control. I need control and the only way I know to get it is through food. Not by eating food but by controlling food.
I've made it to 1,200 calories every day since I started trying to. It's been over a week and I'm keeping it up but I feel horrible. Physically I feel better. Not great but certainly better. But I feel guilty for eating. How sick is that....
Today I had a doctor's appointment. In the general list of questions they asked: "Do you have any personal history with Anorexia or Bulimia?"
I was in a panic. I mean she went on, it wasn't related to the appointment, it was no. big. deal. Why was I freaking? I have been to tons of doctors. I have...pretty bad luck with health and a terrifyingly low white blood cell count. I know I've been asked that hugely generic question before. As a matter of fact, I was there a month before and I'm sure they asked. So what was the problem?
I've never said yes before today.
I think...I've admitted it now...I think I want it to be gone. I know I want it to be gone...I'm just a little afraid to let it go.
Ugh...well, since I am eating and this is a food blog, not a hear Kittie whine blog. Here is breakfast...
Ezekiel Cinnamon Raisin English Muffin, 1/2 mashed banana with cinnamon, home made jam, apple slices.
Spinach, cucumber, tomato, onion, avocado, carrot, TJ's whole grain pita chip crumbles, tons of ground black pepper, steamed snow peas, and a life water.