Last night on the mountain

(I started this post two nights ago but Blogger wouldn't let me upload pictures. Just pretend ;])

It's our last night here :(
Last night's clouds were horrible. The clouds today were not a problem but the wind and humidity have been acting up back and forth all night.

I shall give you a recap of this amazing trip:
I learned how to fill the liquid Nitrogen Dewar.....
Remove the mirror cover....
Operate the telescope via commands....
and captured the Horsehead Nebula....
and the Ring Nebula (M57). (Not our images)

I also did something pretty cool while there. I didn't count calories the whole time. Can you imagine that just a couple months ago I almost decided not to go because I wouldn't have my food scale?? It scares and saddens me how controlling ED can be. But I fought it and had this AMAZING experience. I also had lots of sammiches because they are my favorite food.




I don't want to get excited about something that turns out to be false but.....I think I overcame my fear of bread completely on this trip.....which.....is sort of a big deal.

Another thing that I decided on the trip was to stop eating foods just because they have a high standing with health food bloggers and don't leave out foods just because those bloggers wouldn't touch it with a ten foot pole (expect to see some damned Flamin' hot Cheetos sometime soon. It has been too long, my friends.)

Because of this decision, when I went grocery shopping (Wal*Mart, last night, 2AM-haha-I was still on a observer's schedule) I bought only things I love. No obligation foods. I refuse.
Look! (Bun Bun, Nausicaa [yes, like from The Odyssey], and Mr. MonsterMan starring in their 3AM grocery haul photo shoot) So the important things to note are:

• Pimento Cheese - this is comfort food, a classic of my mom's and has been off the Kittie menu for quite some time.
• Mayo - I love mayo....I can't lie anymore. Sandwiches just aren't the same without it.
• NON Greek yogurt - I like yogurt. I think Greek yogurt tastes like a yogurt/sour cream mixture and I only enjoy it when I get a weird craving. Those tubs of Fage you saw me eat...I forced myself.
• American Cheese slices - Although I have kept these in stock, I was ashamed to eat them but I love them and they are the only cheese I like (and I realize they can hardly be called cheese) so I'm showing you, unashamed.
• Wheat crackers - I love carbs, I'm bringin' 'em back.
• SWEETENED almond milk - they didn't have unsweetened. Usually I would have just not gotten any because of fear of calories but I wanted some damned almond milk....I decided it really wasn't a big deal this time.
  
• Also: a tiny acorn squash, celery, yummy carrots, and some of the best apples ever.
  

I feel like I have grown so much by doing this. I shoved my ED thoughts aside and decided with my whole self that I would go and do this. I did and it was amazing. I'm still awe stricken. I could have stayed home for fall break, knowing that I gave up an opportunity just because of fear. Instead I have overcome fears, gained knowledge, pictures, and this great hoodie:
I'm honestly really proud of myself.
(And yes, I realize that hoodie is a bit large but I like to be able to crawl into my hoodies. heh.)

On Becoming a Vampire:

So it's past 3:00AM and I am wide awake. I'm in training to be a vampire. But this sort of vampire hunts nebulae instead of young vixens and drinks le cafe instead of blood. I have a couple facts for you:

Astronomers have a sense of humor:
They like snax as much as coffee:

(Cherry Twizzlers and apple slices on my constellation/star name study notes.)

My eyes are getting more blood shot patches that freak my professor out:
And these clouds did not behave tonight:
We were only open long enough to take one set of images (less than an hour.) Ball suck.


"Breakfast" Noon
I do apologize, but the only meal we eat during the daytime is breakfast which is had at high noon. That means I miss the best natural light periods but you will forgive, will you not?
Cheerios, apple jacks, banana, almond milk, coffee (dur).

"Lunch" 7:00PM
Brown rice, black beans + tomato, bell pepper + mushroom (plus a huge unpictured salad).

"Dinner" 3:00AM
Grain bread (really, really good bread), cheese, mustard, boiled egg white slices, pretzels, and another boiled egg (plus coffee).
Also, one of these huge ass cookies each night. (I honestly don't remember the last time I had a cookie before this....and I prefer cookies over any other dessert food.)

Bursting Blood Vessels for Science.

Say what, Kittie?

I haven't slept. It's (now much) past 7:00AM. Why? Because I'm here. More specifically, I'm in here. Doing what? Being a student. Observing the sky, observing my Professor operate systems in the control room, occasionally operate things myself, keep the telescope working, ect, ect. No, this isn't a field trip. I'm here with my professor because I am an Astronomy minor, for those of you who haven't caught on. You wanna see what an Astro minor eats? Well, when she has to wake at 5:00AM to catch a flight, she has overnight oats waiting:
The last of the Dark Chocolate Dreams. I used it to make cookies that I gave to other people. (honestly, I hate DCD....)
And when she's reading Hamlet in the airport lounge (because she is an English major after all) she eats free snacks. (but picks out the sesame things because she thinks they are weird.)
"Breakfast" is had when you wake (about noon.)
"Lunch" is around 6:00, right after you finish calibrating the telescope and right before sunset.
"Dinner" happens in the control room between midnight and 2:00AM. (Lol. My planisphere is showing ;) uh oh.)

To withstand the 26 hour days you will live off of this:
And if you're cool like us, you will chomp carrots like rabbits.
Two tidbits:
The astronomer's best friends.
(Red light and white light)
And it's cold on mountaintops. (Also, I have busted blood vessels in my eyes due to sleep deprivation but the flash removed them. How kind.)

Not a step, a frakking LEAP

I did something. I did it honestly and fully. I did something "normal." I did something that I used to love to do. What you ask? Last night my friend and I went to the diner on campus. We talked until 11:30 at night. That was wonderful but it wasn't what I'm talking about. This is what I'm talking about, people:
Those would be the French fries that we shared. It has been over a year since I ate French fries.
I ate them with dips, too! BBQ sauce, Ranch dressing, and Ketchup.

I ate fries and...
SNICKERS PIE! I ate that whole piece of pie except the chocolate on top and the peanuts....I um...have a confession...you know I hate peanuts, but honestly...I hate chocolate too. hate it.
Honestly, I'd eat a plate full of fries over sweets any day....but they were both good and I ate them and I didn't cry, I didn't panic, I didn't feel my heart beating faster. I didn't purge and I didn't fast today to make up for it. I'm not going to lie...I'm proud.

Without Fear

I spent this weekend with some friends in Memphis and I have two things to show for it.

First, meatless beans and rice at Rendezvous':
It came with peppers, pickles, cole slaw, crackers, and cheddar cheese.
I ate all of it and even a couple crackers and half a stick of cheese. That is the only slaw I have ever enjoyed in my life. It wasn't all mayonnaise-y, it had hot sauce instead. Um...genius?

Then, a rekindled love:
Yeah, it's just Subway but I have only gotten salads there for over a year out of fear of the bread. I love subs...it was a veggie on wheat with no cheese. It has spinach, tomato, cucumber, onion, bell pepper, banana pepper, Dijon, vinegar, and salt and pepper.

I tried the new SunChips but I only ate a couple. They tasted like pizza which makes sense I guess...cheese + tomato = pizza....but I didn't like them. I like the original, really. No need for flavors.

Honestly.

Imma be real wit y'all: I'm sick of this shit.
What do you mean, Kittie?
Healthy bloggers.
What did they do to you?
Honestly, nothing. That's the damned thing. They are good people living heathy lives but I've started to cringe every time I see morning oats or kale chips. I shudder when I see running stats and I want to close the page when I read about healthified, veganized everything.
Why? Because I went from starving and restricting to trying to be just like them. I'm not like them and I'm tired of the ED part of me pressuring me to be. My ED figures a painfully structured, healthy diet is the only thing I can have other than starving.
My ED self also expects me to run.
Honestly, I hate running. I don't run. I never want to run. I don't even want to jog or get on a damned elliptical machine again. I like to bike. I do like biking. Biking is Kittie but Kittie can't be as good as other bloggers if she's biking, the has to run to compete but Kittie can't RUN. So what happens? Kittie feels like a failure. She feels like she isn't be "healthy and active."
Honestly, I'm so sick of oatmeal. I haven't eaten oatmeal or oat bran in two weeks.
Shamefully, I realized something this last week. I eat certain foods regularly just to fit in here.
What the hell? I shouldn't live like that. I'm always trying to fit into something. I want to fit into me. I want to be Kittie. I am Kittie. You know what else?
Honestly, I don't like nut butter. I don't like almonds, flavored or otherwise. I do like cashews and pecans at Christmas time. I HATE peanuts. HATE. Then why do I have six jars of nut butter? Obligation. I feel like I have to eat these foods to be like these blogging icons. It doesn't feel good to try to live up to something that you aren't.

So you may be wondering if this is just a Kittie rant, or if I'm actually getting somewhere with it. Both. The blog is going to change. I'm going to be showing you more of....Kittie. The real Kittie. Not ED Kittie (although that is real) and not the Kittie who tries to be like other bloggers. This is me. Also, I'm going to commit to blogging at least once a week. I know that doesn't sound like a lot but I have 12 hour days all week long and it just isn't possible for me to promise anything more than that.

You may see some things you've never seen on here. This shit is gonna get real, babies. I'm ready for change.

Show and Tell

Um. So I did something....well, awesome.

What? You ask.

Well....why don't you just look.

It began with this:
And then something interesting happened to my coffee.
Milk.
And then ended with this:
That was a real pumpkin muffin and I ate it. It was not one of Kittie's "sugar free, fat free, flavor free safety muffins" but I ate it.

I mean look. It has cream cheese ICING.

The Real Deal

Progress? Yeah...I'm making progress. I haven't weighed in a couple weeks but I can tell that since moving from 1,200 to 1,300 calories a day I've gained a little bit of weight. Not a lot. Basically just gained back the amount I have lost since moving back to school over a month ago. I know it's because my body was in starvation mode and now it's storing fat, in preparation to be starved again. So I have a choice a) starve because I'm afraid of gaining, do exactly what my body expects or b) I can keep eating amount closer to what I need and even though I'll gain initially, eventually my metabolism will adjust to a healthier rate for a healthier amount of food.

• I'd be lying if I told you I didn't seriously consider option "a" but you know what?
• I want to be healthy.
• I want to eat Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter dinners without purging.
• I want to eat things I used to love.
• I want to eventually put the food scale back in the pantry and only take it out for measuring baking ingredients, not every single thing (including carrot sticks) that I eat.
• And with that, I will say that I want to bake again.

Option "b," here I come. Get ready for some tears.


On to the eats. If you're reading this, I bet you are excited about the pumpkin. I will admit to buying pumpkin butter, two cans of pumpkin, and Kashi pumpkin spice granola bars. I will also admit that on my "Eating Goals" list is a pumpkin muffin from Einstein's Bagels, Pumpkin loaf from Starbucks, and a mini pumpkin pie blizzard from Dairy Queen. But the thing that really, really means the season is changing are these seductive little rubies:
The pomegranate. Lovingly referred to as "Pom" for short. This is my affair.
Quinoa mixed with lemon, garlic, basil, and TJ's Dried Pom seeds (not nearly as seductive) then topped with leftover marinated grilled tofu from the Wild Cow.

Summer fruit I can take or leave (besides blueberries but I prefer them frozen anyway) but Fall and Winter fruit...my mouth waters. do you need more proof?
The first Honeycrisp.
I love apples, I think they are my favorite fruit. I never get tired of them. My favorite is the gala.

My grandpa was hypoglycemic so he couldn't have sugar. Every single night after dinner he ate an apple by slicing it with his pocket knife. When I was little he would slice little pieces of it for me. He died when I was 13 but....I remember him when I eat apples. Actually, when I starved in high school I would eat only an apple in a whole day so for a while, apples meant starving. Now I can love them again and think of him. (I'm actually eating a red delicious right now, his apple of choice)

Unlike my grandpa, I can have sugar and I happen to enjoy one of the most debated, sugar-filled candies:
Candy corn. I picked this up a few weeks ago and I haven't opened it but I will. Promise. I have made some awesome progress, though.
I bet you didn't know that I love Cheetos. And I mean love. I used to eat the flaming hot cheetos every day with a cheese/tomato sandwich at school. I love them. I picked these up at TJ's.
And look, I ate them. They aren't sitting in the pantry, a haunting reminder of my ED. They are in my tummy. They weren't very hot, though. Maybe I'll make the leap and rekindle my love for the real deal?

You know what else is in my tummy?
Two of these.
I know I said I was making cookies this weekend, but I said that before I knew I would be out of town. So instead of two cookies, I had two almond butter cups. (pb cups trump cookies,
remember?)
I ate 'em while working on philosophy homework.
P.S. I almost wrote a disclaimer telling you I don't eat just junk food...then I realized it was only because I felt self conscious admitting to eating something like chocolate. I'm not ashamed, I'm proud. ED can't make me ashamed.