Imma be real wit y'all: I'm sick of this shit.
What do you mean, Kittie?
What did they do to you?
Honestly, nothing. That's the damned thing. They are good people living heathy lives but I've started to cringe every time I see morning oats or kale chips. I shudder when I see running stats and I want to close the page when I read about healthified, veganized everything.
Why? Because I went from starving and restricting to trying to be just like them. I'm not like them and I'm tired of the ED part of me pressuring me to be. My ED figures a painfully structured, healthy diet is the only thing I can have other than starving.
My ED self also expects me to run.
Honestly, I hate running. I don't run. I never want to run. I don't even want to jog or get on a damned elliptical machine again. I like to bike. I do like biking. Biking is Kittie but Kittie can't be as good as other bloggers if she's biking, the has to run to compete but Kittie can't RUN. So what happens? Kittie feels like a failure. She feels like she isn't be "healthy and active."
Honestly, I'm so sick of oatmeal. I haven't eaten oatmeal or oat bran in two weeks.
Shamefully, I realized something this last week. I eat certain foods regularly just to fit in here.
What the hell? I shouldn't live like that. I'm always trying to fit into something. I want to fit into me. I want to be Kittie. I am Kittie. You know what else?
Honestly, I don't like nut butter. I don't like almonds, flavored or otherwise. I do like cashews and pecans at Christmas time. I HATE peanuts. HATE. Then why do I have six jars of nut butter? Obligation. I feel like I have to eat these foods to be like these blogging icons. It doesn't feel good to try to live up to something that you aren't.
So you may be wondering if this is just a Kittie rant, or if I'm actually getting somewhere with it. Both. The blog is going to change. I'm going to be showing you more of....Kittie. The real Kittie. Not ED Kittie (although that is real) and not the Kittie who tries to be like other bloggers. This is me. Also, I'm going to commit to blogging at least once a week. I know that doesn't sound like a lot but I have 12 hour days all week long and it just isn't possible for me to promise anything more than that.
You may see some things you've never seen on here. This shit is gonna get real, babies. I'm ready for change.