31 October 2010

Costumes of Haloween Past

Edited to add more pics.

Halloween is always a big deal for me so I thought I'd show you all a couple photos of old costumes.

I was Woody Allen once:
Just Kidding. Those are my real glasses.
Alright, you caught me. That was just my my mom taking pictures in Eyeglass World a month ago.....(but I want them.)

I was a vampire before vampires were cool:
(Age 13 0r 14)

I was once Amanda Palmer of the Dresden Dolls:
(Age 15)

I've dressed up in the way I did from ages 12-14 as a mockery of myself:
(Actually pictures of me at that age)

I've been a Doll:
(Age 17)
(The BFF was Laura Croft holding me at gunpoint.)
You can't be a doll without your tea party:
(Loooooong before my food blogging adventures, I loved photographing my creations.)

I've been an Emilie Autumn-inspired Gothic Lolita
complete with handmade parasol.
(Age 16)

Last year I was an actual Lolita:
(Age 18 [a bit too old, eh?])

And this year I was a Nymph.

I hope you all have a

30 October 2010

The Biggest Step...

Is when you start to binge and then you stop early.
And you go to...
"Just purge a little"
"Just this one last time."
For the 100th last time
And you don't
And you look at yourself in the mirror
And you know this time, the food will stay inside
And you have to be okay with that
To stop the cycle
And it hurts
And you hate yourself
But you want to get better.

26 October 2010


What have I been up to lately?
I had Mexican food last Friday for the first time in...who the hell knows when.
Man-hand + chips + salsa + guacamole.
I got the veggie fajitas
I made one fajita and had a little under half the veggies.
Leftovers for Kittie. I try not to order things if I know there is no way I'll finish them or even come close but everything else vegetarian was slathered in cheese....and also very large portions....but I always eat my leftovers. I don't have a problem with leftovers.

Well....in my town today there was (is) a tornado warning. My Public Speaking class was interrupted by the sirens. We had to go to the basement where we sat in the hallways and she continued class.

I've been having anxiety attacks again and this isn't helping.
Why are you having anxiety attacks?
Since I actually have panic attacks that are seemingly uncaused by anything direct, I can't be positive.

I do know that I feel a definite lack of control. I feel like I'm loosing control of both my grades and my weight/eating. In reality I have all A's and B+'s and I've actually lost a few pounds (not that I tried to. I'm sort of confused on this one, I'm eating way more than I am used to because I'm trying to maintain and I'm loosing??...) Control has always been a huge issue with me. If I feel like I'm out of control it's like I'm slipping. My chest is tightening all day as if I am literally falling off a mountain. Imagine the shock of fear and pain you feel in your chest when you realize you are about to trip down the stairs. Now apply that to all day. That's how I feel.

I have also been sick for about a week now.
I am taking my usual vitamin C and a bit extra in the form of drink tablets and I think it's helping.
I just have to keep eating soup.
And drinking tea.
And eating cereal because apparently it's my favorite breakfast food. (we never ate breakfast when i was a kid so I'm just now discovering it....as a meal and what foods I like.)

23 October 2010


So if you noticed, there have been pictures of me on the blog recently-not just my food. This has been very difficult for me. I wanted to show you my experience at Kitt Peak but posting full body shots terrified me. I don't feel so horrible about myself right now but I am afraid of readers thinking I don't look like I struggle with eating. I didn't want anyone to say that I looked fine or even like I could loose a few.

Now, I realize this probably wouldn't happen. I have supportive readers. I still fear. I feel very insecure about my body as of late because I have been fluctuating between loosing and gaining for the past few months. I never gain a lot and then I turn around and loose it. I'm teetering on the healthy/underweight BMI point for me and I wish I could just stay right here but...I guess that's normal. People fluctuate.

Where I am going with this is that I have decided to start posting pictures of me on the blog as well as food. I want to post my favorite outfits, jewelry, makeup, ect. I am doing this to try and become comfortable with being seen.

When I go in public I hang my head. I either walk looking at the ground or straight ahead because I know someone is bound to look at me but I can't fathom seeing them do it. I'm terrified of it.

If I post things on here, the whole damned internet is capable of finding it. I'm letting them see me because there's nothing wrong with me. I don't need to be afraid.

I'm starting at the bottom.
My feet are clad in these mukluks that I got about five years ago at this little "emporium" in my home town. I am wearing black Mossimo jeggings from Target.
I love my Jeggings. I own three pairs: 1 black, 1 charcoal grey, 1 "denim" style.
That is my watch chain. Yes, I carry a pocket watch.
These have belt loops which I love. I pair them with my Betsy Johnson belt. (Vegan)
I have only one set of silly bandz, pictured here: the Wolverine pack. If any of you know of a Hello Kitty pack, I would also be interested.
My favorite bracelet. It was made by my friend's brother out of scrap leather. (Not Vegan ;]) And my tree of life ring.
Sometimes I wear glasses. They are red and Kittie-eyed. (get it?...Kittie-eyed)
And because this is about making big steps, no makeup: See? I can't even look at you....
Okay, I made myself.

Oh....you want food? Well fine. I guess I could do that for you ;)
Breakfast was 1/2c TJ's High Fiber cereal, 1/2 c Cascadian Farms Clifford Crunch, and the marshmallows out of some lucky charms I snagged from the cafe. With almond milk, as always.

I went on a picnic today.
I sat by the river.
I listened to The Killers (Sawdust) and read Philosophy.
You can see that I like Hello Kitty....
I had packed a cheese sandwich.
But my blood sugar was dropping and I was shaking uncontrollably. I quickly ate my fruit for sugar and ran to get some protein/sugar.
Peanut M&M's x2. Much better.

Then I went shopping and capped the afternoon off with some froyo.
I'm not one of those bloggers who pines over pumpkin pie EVERYTHING. No, no my friends. When you say "birthday cake" or "marshmallow" flavored then I got insane.
Pictured here:
  • Birthday Cake froyo
  • Vanilla froyo
  • Marshmallows
  • Caramel apple candy corn
  • Mochi
  • Boba
  • Strawberry
  • Kiwi

22 October 2010

Mamma Don't Play

If you are Kittie and you miss your town's Fall Festival because you are away at school, you may call your mother and beg for kettle corn.

When you tell her "Get me like, a shit ton of it," you may not realize that 'shit ton' translates into 'lifetime supply' to momma.

But when you go to your mail box and open your package....
and find this....
You will look at it like this....
Then this....
And eventually accept your roll as the new owner of a two (...three?) pound bag of kettle corn....
Wholly crap that's a lotta kettle corn. So much that I apparently found it impossible to get the whole thing in a picture with me....
Of course I had to have some.
It was good but I must admit a bit of sadness and disappointment.....it's been to long since I've had food with...uh...flavor that the salty-sweetness I used to love so much actually hurt. Literally...the salt burned my tongue and the sweet burned my throat. This is a sad day...I've found I can only eat about five pieces at a time. I know that really isn't a bad thing since it isn't exactly a health food...but still.

I will be giving bags of it away though. Even if it didn't burn, one girl can't (or shouldn't unless she wishes a sugar coma) eat all of that before it goes stale. (Luckily kettle corn takes a while to go stale because it sort of preserves its freshness with its sugar coating....)

On a lighter note, sammiches have hit full force:
Fluffernutter (first-timer)
Pimento cheese (classic)
Sunbutter and jam (spin on a classic)

This pretty much represents the perfect lunch for me. You can tell that my idea of a perfect lunch was defined by years of taking a bag lunch to school but basically, here are the components:
  • Sandwich - Should not be messy, not too many components. Ideal makings include: peanut butter/jelly, pimento cheese, cheese/mayo.
  • Something Crunchy - My favorites are as follows: Pretzels, Wheat Thins, Goldfish (preferably Ranch or Cheddar Blasted but Cheddar is always a reliable standby), Cheetos (crunchy, Flamin' Hot or Jalapeno, once again-original works too), Doritos (Nacho cheese or Spicy Sweet [fun fact: these are the only vegan Doritos flavor (or were as of 2008 when I was vegan)]).
  • Veggies - The crunchy, portable, slice-able, dip-able sorts (My favorites are carrots. Celery, bell peppers, and cucumbers are also great.)
  • Fruit - Okay, apple. Apple is your only choice because I make the rules. Sorry.
  • Drink - Any drink. Bottles are better than cans in case you don't finish (I never do).
So...it feels really good to eat what I want. The funny thing is...what I want really isn't that bad. Yeah, Cheetos and Doritos are not health foods and I know others may judge me for liking them but I haven't bought them yet and when I do (because I will) I'm not going to feel bad about eating one serving every couple days. I just have to get to a point where I can show you without being ashamed. I'm still ashamed for putting that cookie on the blog even though I'm proud of myself for eating it. (explain that?)

19 October 2010

Last night on the mountain

(I started this post two nights ago but Blogger wouldn't let me upload pictures. Just pretend ;])

It's our last night here :(
Last night's clouds were horrible. The clouds today were not a problem but the wind and humidity have been acting up back and forth all night.

I shall give you a recap of this amazing trip:
I learned how to fill the liquid Nitrogen Dewar.....
Remove the mirror cover....
Operate the telescope via commands....
and captured the Horsehead Nebula....
and the Ring Nebula (M57). (Not our images)

I also did something pretty cool while there. I didn't count calories the whole time. Can you imagine that just a couple months ago I almost decided not to go because I wouldn't have my food scale?? It scares and saddens me how controlling ED can be. But I fought it and had this AMAZING experience. I also had lots of sammiches because they are my favorite food.

I don't want to get excited about something that turns out to be false but.....I think I overcame my fear of bread completely on this trip.....which.....is sort of a big deal.

Another thing that I decided on the trip was to stop eating foods just because they have a high standing with health food bloggers and don't leave out foods just because those bloggers wouldn't touch it with a ten foot pole (expect to see some damned Flamin' hot Cheetos sometime soon. It has been too long, my friends.)

Because of this decision, when I went grocery shopping (Wal*Mart, last night, 2AM-haha-I was still on a observer's schedule) I bought only things I love. No obligation foods. I refuse.
Look! (Bun Bun, Nausicaa [yes, like from The Odyssey], and Mr. MonsterMan starring in their 3AM grocery haul photo shoot) So the important things to note are:
  • Pimento Cheese - this is comfort food, a classic of my mom's and has been off the Kittie menu for quite some time.
  • Mayo - I love mayo....I can't lie anymore. Sandwiches just aren't the same without it.
  • NON Greek yogurt - I like yogurt. I think Greek yogurt tastes like a yogurt/sour cream mixture and I only enjoy it when I get a weird craving. Those tubs of Fage you saw me eat...I forced myself.
  • American Cheese slices - Although I have kept these in stock, I was ashamed to eat them but I love them and they are the only cheese I like (and I realize they can hardly be called cheese) so I'm showing you, unashamed.
  • Wheat crackers - I love carbs, I'm bringin' 'em back.
  • SWEETENED almond milk - they didn't have unsweetened. Usually I would have just not gotten any because of fear of calories but I wanted some damned almond milk....I decided it really wasn't a big deal this time.
  • Also: a tiny acorn squash, celery, yummy carrots, and some of the best apples ever.
I feel like I have grown so much by doing this. I shoved my ED thoughts aside and decided with my whole self that I would go and do this. I did and it was amazing. I'm still awe stricken. I could have stayed home for fall break, knowing that I gave up an opportunity just because of fear. Instead I have overcome fears, gained knowledge, pictures, and this great hoodie:
I'm honestly really proud of myself.
(And yes, I realize that hoodie is a bit large but I like to be able to crawl into my hoodies. heh.)