Imma be real wit y'all: I'm sick of this shit.
What do you mean, Kittie?
Healthy bloggers.
What did they do to you?
Honestly, nothing. That's the damned thing. They are good people living heathy lives but I've started to cringe every time I see morning oats or kale chips. I shudder when I see running stats and I want to close the page when I read about healthified, veganized everything.
Why? Because I went from starving and restricting to trying to be just like them. I'm not like them and I'm tired of the ED part of me pressuring me to be. My ED figures a painfully structured, healthy diet is the only thing I can have other than starving.
My ED self also expects me to run.
Honestly, I hate running. I don't run. I never want to run. I don't even want to jog or get on a damned elliptical machine again. I like to bike. I do like biking. Biking is Kittie but Kittie can't be as good as other bloggers if she's biking, the has to run to compete but Kittie can't RUN. So what happens? Kittie feels like a failure. She feels like she isn't be "healthy and active."
Honestly, I'm so sick of oatmeal. I haven't eaten oatmeal or oat bran in two weeks.
Shamefully, I realized something this last week. I eat certain foods regularly just to fit in here.
What the hell? I shouldn't live like that. I'm always trying to fit into something. I want to fit into me. I want to be Kittie. I am Kittie. You know what else?
Honestly, I don't like nut butter. I don't like almonds, flavored or otherwise. I do like cashews and pecans at Christmas time. I HATE peanuts. HATE. Then why do I have six jars of nut butter? Obligation. I feel like I have to eat these foods to be like these blogging icons. It doesn't feel good to try to live up to something that you aren't.
So you may be wondering if this is just a Kittie rant, or if I'm actually getting somewhere with it. Both. The blog is going to change. I'm going to be showing you more of....Kittie. The real Kittie. Not ED Kittie (although that is real) and not the Kittie who tries to be like other bloggers. This is me. Also, I'm going to commit to blogging at least once a week. I know that doesn't sound like a lot but I have 12 hour days all week long and it just isn't possible for me to promise anything more than that.
You may see some things you've never seen on here. This shit is gonna get real, babies. I'm ready for change.
About Me
- Kittie
- I'm in college. I'm a vegetarian (who leans on the vegan side) in the South. I read. I write. I observe the stars...because deep down, we're all just a bunch of Wordsworths, here.
I felt the same way, Kittie!
ReplyDeleteI can totally relate to your situation.
I'm glad you decided to change!
YAY for self-acceptance :D
YAY!! i LOVE this post. probably because i can relate to it so much... i know i don't officially have a blog, but i feel pressured by the foodie blogs i read to eat a certain way. no one will even see what i eat or be able to call me out if i go back for a second bowl of cereal or shun the almond butter i initially pick up at trader joes... but i still feel so guilty if i do it! i used to read these blogs for enjoyment and to equip myself with healthier options than just restricting or purging.. but now i read them and feel inadequate. they have actually rekindled a lot of my ED tendencies.
ReplyDeletealso, i don't like to run either!! i like to swim. but that's not praised by any of the blogs i read, so the voice in my head says it's not a blogger-accepted form of exercise, and therefore not good enough. also, on the days i listen to my body and take a rest from exercise (or hell, just don't want to hit the gym, dammit!!) i feel like a failure.
i'm so glad i'm not the only one. let's keep it real, girl!
xo jess
you're so right Kittie.Trying to fit is a devilish thing, no matter in where you want to fit. It made me smile reading this post! Why? Actually, I started to follow your blog while I wasn't a blogger yet. (Always wanted to say that!)
ReplyDeleteMore and more, I discovered things you write about I struggle with too. My first blog failed. I tried to fit, there seemed to be "blog rules" or something I have to follow. But that's not how it works. And in the end, it wasn't me. So, Why to hell should you (and I) have to run if we hate it? You don't. I don't. But thats no reason to stop blogging.
Go on, you can do it ;) ( Me too ;o) )
XO, Lina