02 October 2010

The Real Deal

Progress? Yeah...I'm making progress. I haven't weighed in a couple weeks but I can tell that since moving from 1,200 to 1,300 calories a day I've gained a little bit of weight. Not a lot. Basically just gained back the amount I have lost since moving back to school over a month ago. I know it's because my body was in starvation mode and now it's storing fat, in preparation to be starved again. So I have a choice a) starve because I'm afraid of gaining, do exactly what my body expects or b) I can keep eating amount closer to what I need and even though I'll gain initially, eventually my metabolism will adjust to a healthier rate for a healthier amount of food.

  • I'd be lying if I told you I didn't seriously consider option "a" but you know what?
  • I want to be healthy.
  • I want to eat Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter dinners without purging.
  • I want to eat things I used to love.
  • I want to eventually put the food scale back in the pantry and only take it out for measuring baking ingredients, not every single thing (including carrot sticks) that I eat.
  • And with that, I will say that I want to bake again.
Option "b," here I come. Get ready for some tears.

On to the eats. If you're reading this, I bet you are excited about the pumpkin. I will admit to buying pumpkin butter, two cans of pumpkin, and Kashi pumpkin spice granola bars. I will also admit that on my "Eating Goals" list is a pumpkin muffin from Einstein's Bagels, Pumpkin loaf from Starbucks, and a mini pumpkin pie blizzard from Dairy Queen. But the thing that really, really means the season is changing are these seductive little rubies:
The pomegranate. Lovingly referred to as "Pom" for short. This is my affair.
Quinoa mixed with lemon, garlic, basil, and TJ's Dried Pom seeds (not nearly as seductive) then topped with leftover marinated grilled tofu from the Wild Cow.

Summer fruit I can take or leave (besides blueberries but I prefer them frozen anyway) but Fall and Winter fruit...my mouth waters. do you need more proof?
The first Honeycrisp.
I love apples, I think they are my favorite fruit. I never get tired of them. My favorite is the gala.

My grandpa was hypoglycemic so he couldn't have sugar. Every single night after dinner he ate an apple by slicing it with his pocket knife. When I was little he would slice little pieces of it for me. He died when I was 13 but....I remember him when I eat apples. Actually, when I starved in high school I would eat only an apple in a whole day so for a while, apples meant starving. Now I can love them again and think of him. (I'm actually eating a red delicious right now, his apple of choice)

Unlike my grandpa, I can have sugar and I happen to enjoy one of the most debated, sugar-filled candies:
Candy corn. I picked this up a few weeks ago and I haven't opened it but I will. Promise. I have made some awesome progress, though.
I bet you didn't know that I love Cheetos. And I mean love. I used to eat the flaming hot cheetos every day with a cheese/tomato sandwich at school. I love them. I picked these up at TJ's.
And look, I ate them. They aren't sitting in the pantry, a haunting reminder of my ED. They are in my tummy. They weren't very hot, though. Maybe I'll make the leap and rekindle my love for the real deal?

You know what else is in my tummy?
Two of these.
I know I said I was making cookies this weekend, but I said that before I knew I would be out of town. So instead of two cookies, I had two almond butter cups. (pb cups trump cookies,
I ate 'em while working on philosophy homework.
P.S. I almost wrote a disclaimer telling you I don't eat just junk food...then I realized it was only because I felt self conscious admitting to eating something like chocolate. I'm not ashamed, I'm proud. ED can't make me ashamed.


  1. I LOVE YOU!! i know that was hard, it wasent an easy choice in the least no matter how obvious u knew it was. never be ashamed and never let that feeling stay in u. this is all healthy and nourishing food, all made by the earth with love and care. ur body will even out. our bodies will always retain and shift in weight until it realizes it wont be starved anymore and abused. then it truly levels off and u shift to where ur body can be comfortably and healthily. im so admired by ur strength and u (out of all the bloggers ive followed) are the toughest chick!! no joke!

    btw. id share the celebration with u by having one of those chocolate dessert cups if i could only reach through the screen :P

    have an amazing week- you deserve it!! <3


  2. I second everything the wise Kelsey said!

    Dana xo