That's what I heard a girl growl to another while looking at me across the yard the other day. They thought I couldn't hear their hateful comment. I could. I have hawk hearing from years of being a loner, listening across the room. It's self defense. A defense I never asked for...anyway.
Since I have been back at school at least five people have exclaimed "You've lost so much weight!" or "Kittie, is that you?! I didn't even recognize you!" One of these occasions was an entire table full of some old classmates. They all stared in astonishment saying "Oh my god, Kittie."
It makes me really uncomfortable when people do this but they aren't being mean so I just smile and say "yeah." But that girl said it so hatefully and I know exactly how she felt and the venom she was putting into her statement. I used to do it. I know.
Those girls...they used to and still do trigger me. Could I be a trigger? I mean...I feel like I need to lose more (of course I do, will it ever be enough?) But everyone just keeps on and on about it. My roommate said I look like I was going to break in half. I don't feel like I look like that...at all. But...maybe I do?
This had been brewing in my head for a few days. I've been back and forth, eating a little more some days and then I just restrict the next. Want to hear something ridiculous? ED Kittie is convinced that in the last three days she has developed a double chin. Thank you ED for making me retarded. How can I know these thoughts are crazy and still let them affect what I do?
For dinner last night I ate some soup they had at the cafe along with some whole grain muffins I brought from home.
I had a side salad as well but that isn't the earth shattering part. I ate this.
I ate it because I was a few hundred calories under my goal. 50 in chocolate can't hurt, right?
Wrong. Guilt. Tons of guilt seeping through me. "This is why you're getting that double chin, Kittie." WHAT FUCKING DOUBLE CHIN?! "Your pants don't fit, this is why." Yeah, they're two sizes too big, retard! "weren't they three sizes too big?" NO! They were the right size! "I doubt it.....fatty." SHUT. UP.Dammit.
Breakfast was standard. Breakfast can be standard without any freak out because: 1. It is always the same calorie count, no matter the toppings, I work it out that way. 2. It's at the beginning of the day, empty stomach, blank slate. If I make it good, it's fine. and 3. I don't add sugar or fats other than nuts.
Banana oats and tea. I wish I could just pop out some waffles with syrup on a weekday but right now, that probably wouldn't be a good idea.
For lunch...I wasn't wanting anything. I was hungry but...that's where it ended. I grabbed a salad.
I topped it with Sun Chip crumbs.
I ate these peanut butter pretzels because....I figured I needed more than a bed of lettuce....
Thats really ironic, i can relate to this actually. when i was in highschool and was entering gr. 12 everyone pointed out the weight i lost. i didnt realize how much different i looked because over the summer it felt more gradual and my family saw me each day so it didnt seem like too big of a change. by the end of the summer i had started slipping into bingeing/purging and the comments i recieved from my classmates triggered my episodes. most of the comments were "omg youre so skinny.. are u bulimic or something!" they said it as a joke but it made me guilty because i secretly was. a part of me loved those comments but the other part struggled to accept the new 'attention' i was creating everywhere i went. im happy high school us DUNZOOO tho lol.
ReplyDeleteps. tell ur black eyed peas to stop making me hungry!!! haha
yea, salads can make me even more hungry actually.. ur right, bed of lettuces arent very satisfying!
xoxo