09 January 2011

This Feeling...

There is this feeling that girls (and boys) with my...ailments have. It's a painful emptiness. Not of the stomach but of the body. It's in the mind and the hole feeds on itself. I can usually feel it coming on. When I do, I occupy my mind with books or essays until it passes. Sometimes it surprises me. Yesterday it surprised me. The worst of it can last from 12 hours to 12 days....in certain cases even 12 wretched months.
I know I'm not alone in any way. I have people who love me. There are others out there who can understand me. Sometimes I just don't have a reason to get out of bed. Worse than that, sometimes I can't make myself GO to bed. The nightmares aren't worth the sleep but staying awake means I have to suffer through it. Suffering either way....the bed looks like a trap, it laughs at me.At this time, when the pillow mocks and my mind churns, I cannot read. I cannot write. It is too late. It has already consumed me and I must allow it to pass over me like a violent wave in the ocean. At this time, I hate living in my body. This is not related to ED. It is so much different. I hate myself, I hate my mind.
I have to change myself. I need to transform this wretched body into anything else. There are two things I do most commonly. The first is my desperate attempt to find endorphins. I won't go into the bloody details because I'm here to talk about the second.
I dye my hair in the early AM. I've done it for years. Since I was about 12 years old. I do it because I need to change. I don't do it because I like the color I'm making it. I do it because I hate the one I naturally have. I hate it because it is a part of me. I have to become something else.

So now my hair is bright red....all because of one sleepless night.

1 comment:

  1. I haven't posted here before, but I have been reading your blog for quite a while now.

    I know the exact feeling. Strangely, I too dyed my hair bright red the other day too. When I read this post I was kinda shocked to be honest. lol.

    I wish I could say something to make you feel better, but if you're anything like me, there isn't really anything anyone else can say or do, I just have to get through it on my own.

    Just know you're not alone.