15 August 2010

Good day, Madam.

Today. It's a good day. Honestly I fear good days. If eating doesn't send me into panic, does that mean I'll never stop? Will I keep eating and eating until my stomach can't hold anymore and go right back to the self imposed destructive "therapy" that I once went to every day? I've come so far....I don't think that I would. So does that mean I'd eat and eat and not "fix" it? That's what I'm afraid of. That eating will be alright. That I'll think "one more bite is no big deal." I need to fear it don't I? Is there a happy medium?

It's my first day trying for 1,200 calories. Let's see how that goes... :/

I went on a weekend ride this morning. I decided to try not eating breakfast before my ride again and fueled with this mini raw bar.
This was SOOOO much better than the chocolate coconut Larabar that I had to throw away. It also held me over through my ride and a trip the the grocery store. After my shower I made these:
Whole wheat pancakes with cooked strawberries and blueberries.
Oh, look. What's that?
It's Smart Balance! I usually don't put any on but today...today I did!

I made a triple batch of Maple Almond Butter yesterday morning:
I had a sammich with Archer Farms hummus chips for lunch.
After lunch I went out with my mom so before I did I made her scones:
I wrapped them up and put them in a freezer bag so she can have a warm one whenever she wants. I kept one separate and gave it to her when I got there. I said, "You can have this one now because I know you haven't eaten." She hadn't.

We went to the book store and I had a coffee and a snack:
On the way home my mom said this:
"I don't eat until night because I'm afraid I won't stop. I save my calories for the end of the day."
She's been a night time binge eater...my whole life. She was overweight for most of my life. She's about average now. She went on Weight Watchers when I was in middle school and lost a lot. She moved out last fall because my parents are divorcing. Now that she lives on her own she has no one to make sure she eats an actual meal so she eats what she wants (and hates to cook.) She doesn't eat anything until night and then it's all junk because she wants to "spend" her calories as best she can.

*Sigh.* And we wonder where it comes from....

I got home and hour an a half past my dinner time and was horribly hungry. I quickly assembled a tofu wrap with sweet potato fries.
Happy Sunday

1 comment:

  1. I remember going through the same kind of thing... I was afraid of not being afraid of food because I thought that the fear was the only thing keeping me from going back to the junk food eating ways of my teens... I thought that as soon as I became more comfortable with food, I would ditch my healthy eating in favor of unhealthy eating, and mess everything up.

    It never happened. I became comfortable enough with food to allow myself to have treats and indulgences whenever the craving struck, but found that I still tended to stick to a clean diet because that's what I enjoyed. We change a lot over time, and we DO improve. Recovery is real, girl, so don't question progress and keep expecting things to get worse again. Stay positive and hopeful about your recovery, and you'll keep getting better and better :)