12 August 2010

Start your Evolution

The last few days I just haven't felt like blogging. I really don't have a better reason. I've been focusing on my eating rather than photographing my eating. I also have a ton to pack for college in just over two weeks. I've been working on cleaning out my part of the kitchen. Heh. There is a corner of the pantry, refrigerator, and freezer dedicated to Kittie foods. Also the vegetable drawers are pretty much 80% "mine."

I've been shit at eating lately.
Last week I averaged 500-800 calories a day. This week I made a goal to reach at least 1,000 each day. I have...just barely.
I was going to give myself a month to get used to 1,000 but I am feeling so horrible. Every time I stand up I get a head rush and everything goes black. I can't bike. I do but it's the most painful thing and I feel like I'm doing what I used to. Working out to burn calories (what calories?!) not for fun or energy. I mean, it's taking all my energy. I'm so sore and out of breath....just sitting around. A month ago I was biking 14 miles. Now I'm lucky to get 7. I had reached so many biking goals and now I'm back where I started all of a sudden?

So basically, Sunday I'm making myself go to 1,200. So much of me doesn't want to. I'm so afraid of such a big number. I wish my mind worked like "normal" people. I just can't understand why such a big number is possible when I'll need to bump it up even further when I get comfortable there. If I can get comfortable there.

So, to encourage myself to do better (and hopefully feel better?) I have come up with a rewards system. Every month I will have a number of goals. If I reach all my goals I get something I have been wanting. I ration my money for food and gas so now I'll save a little more for this.

Here is a sampling of this month's goals:
Eat no less than 1,000 calories per day from Sunday August 8-Saturday August 14
Eat no less than 1,200 calories per day from Sunday August 15- Saturday August 28

Other goals include dropping the protein bars and trusting myself with healthy snacks that aren't portion packaged, bumping calories up more, and eventually stopping measuring and counting (that's like...in October/November...December?)

If you guys don't want to hear about this stuff, just say. It's a big part of me though and I want to be honest. This is what eating is right now. This blog is about eating.

You want some pictures, don't you? Well, I want to show you some. The last few days have included:
The most beautiful, delicious, filling bowl of Autumn-themed oat bran with a new spoon:
'Smores-themed oats in the morning light (dark) featuring cinnamon oats, Ricemellow, and mini chocolate chips: Ezekiel Cinnamon Raisin English Muffin with mashed cinnamon banana and Sun Butter:
Lots of fruit:
A grilled cheese sandwich:
Karma telling me not to drink soda:
Finding a soup mix at the Asian market that I don't want to try: Tortilla pizza with eggplant and salad: Salad with raw eggplant:
And a pretty big step:
Dark chocolate digestive, hot black tea with Splenda and almond milk!
I have trouble eating things that aren't providing nutrition for their calories. McVitie's are all natural, though. (I also rarely put almond milk in tea even though I love it because of the (five?) calories. It's pretty much because I'm retarded...gawd I hate seeing my thoughts written out.)


  1. Don't ever think we wont want to hear about you working towards recovery. I know how difficult it can be, and talking about it can be a lifesaver. It's so awesome you were able to realize the soreness/lack of endurance came from not eating enough and you're setting goals to get more nutrients. Keep up the work! :)

  2. Aww hun, my heart goes out to you. I remember how terrifying it was to eat an amount that seemed so incredibly high, but I can tell you right now that looking back at the amount that I ate when I started to recover makes me realize that it was basically next to nothing... absolute starvation... and your body is telling you that it's starving by not providing you with the energy to do the things you love.

    Don't be scared to eat, hun, because food is energy, and energy is needed to live life. And don't be afraid of "empty" foods, because there are no such things. If food doesn't serve a physical purpose, then it serves a mental one... treats are incredibly important for our mental health, and I can tell you that I was absolutely terrified to eat them in the beginning stages of my recovery, and now not a day goes by where I don't treat myself to my favorite "empty" foods.

    Stay strong, love <3

  3. COCK SOUP? hahaha k that just made my night!

    mm i can always count on ur food posts to make me happy and hungry at the same time! the english muffin is calling my name right now! Plus ur fall/autumn inspired oat bran bowl with pepitas (pumpking seeds) looks nom nom nom delissssHH! plus i love the cup since 'K' works for me too :)

    i still have issues with eating calories without the nutrition. im trying to break it down more but things like chips and fried foods still intimidate/worry me a bit!