06 August 2010

*Sigh of Relief*

Thank you girls so much for being supportive!
Yesterday ended up being much more difficult than I had expected. As I hit publish I was shaking and I couldn't breathe for about five minutes before finally calming myself down. I was nervous all day.

Yesterday was a hard day in the way of my mentality as well. I was just off. I had some oatmeal at Starbucks and managed to scrounge up a sandwich for lunch but by dinner I was starving. I wanted vegetables. I hadn't had any and I needed them. I wanted a salad so we went out.
I looked at the menu. Every salad has chicken on it. They don't really have other vegetables on them...not enough to make a salad at least. So when the server comes I ask if they can make a garden salad. I have had to ask this question countless times. I've never gotten a blank stare followed by a "No." before yesterday.

She suggests I get the Chef salad without meat or cheese. You wanna know what's on it normally? Grilled chicken, bacon, ham, shredded cheese, boiled egg, tomato, olives, and iceberg lettuce. I don't want to upset anyone. I say sure.
It comes, I take a bite of lettuce. There's something odd...familiar...what is that? SHIT! WHAT THE FUCK?! It's BACON. I taste BACON. I investigate. Half my salad is warm and greasy. Why? They put bacon on it then took it off. There are small pieces of bacon that fell through in the lettuce.

I cried.
-I cried because my mind was already somewhere else.
-I cried because restaurants overwhelm me in the first place because I don't have my measuring cups and nutrition facts.
-I cried because I hate being "the vegetarian" that causes problems.

-I cried because that bacon was thrown away and that animal died. Because of me, that flesh was taken for no reason.

I got another one. I ate my plate of iceberg, dodging the tomatoes that tasted like soap and the olives that had no flavor at all. Was I hungry? It didn't even matter. That was hell.

But this morning I was hungry. I rummaged up what I could find for my last morning.
I made this.
I ate it.
I was still hungry.
I hit the road and got a coffee.
This was my lunch.
It was delicious but I was hungry.

I ate this as a snack when I got home.
I was hungry.
I drank some water. Maybe you're just thirsty.
Still starving. Watching the clock. When is dinner? Now? Now?
(Jicama, celery, tomatoes, okra, carrots, sweet potato, orange bell pepper, and onion.)

I ate 2.5 cups of roasted vegetables, a whole wheat muffin/roll, and half a veggie patty. Giant amounts of food.

I was still starving.
I ate a peach.
I'm still hungry.
I'm guzzling water.
Still hungry.
Very frustrated with myself right now.

1 comment:

  1. i just caught up on the last post and omg im so glad you posted it and i cant imagine how terrifying it was for you to press publish but thankfully we all are quite supportive and a lot of us can definitely relate. im so sorry that you went through all that hell and i know how much guilt is involved and i could definitely feel it through your writing. i was so embarassed each time i got caught and it was so hard for my family to deal with understand. the hardest aspect of the disorder for me was being scared of the incredible voracious hunger beast that would explode from nowhere. i definitely found i am much more triggered by emotional thoughts and feelings versus real hunger, and ive learnt a lot on how to trust my appetite, but in the past i definitely could not. one day at a time. you are so beautiful and strong and im incredibly proud of not only what youve accomplished, the efforts youve made and lessons youve learned, but ALSO im proud of you being here today as an example to all of us who need to hear the truth in what you write. basically, im just proud of YOU <3

    take it easy love, and hang in there ok! <3