21 August 2010

Just Breathe

I have troubles breathing. This isn't as random as it sounds, it's becoming an issue with my bike rides. I don't have asthma or anything. I don't wheeze. I Yawn.
Yeah, I yawn and yawn because my lungs can't get a breath deep enough.
Why don't you take deeper breaths?
Because if I do, it triggers this constrictive feeling and it gets harder to breathe. It feels like an anxiety attack, but it's all the time. Now, I have an anxiety disorder so sometimes it's difficult to tell the difference but...it's all the time. I am also usually light headed. I'm dizzy constantly. I have vertigo issues. I can't lay on my back.

My breathing is a huge reason that I have always hated physical activity. Yeah, I said it. I hate working out. For the last six months I have tried and tried and tried with every bit of me to like working out. I wanted to tell myself: you like it, that's why you do it so much. Yeah...no. This "addiction to endorphins" seems like a myth to me. I hate it. I hate it. It hurts and it sucks but I do it and do it.
Why am I telling you this? I don't know. I had a really horrible bike ride today and I dread all the rides next week and weeks after that. I couldn't breathe and I was dizzy and tired the whole time. I was slow. I was in so much pain and my chest felt like someone was sitting on it.

It's getting harder to lie to myself and say that I like it. Believe the lie Kittie, just believe it dammit.

Moving on...
I had a good breakfast.
Crumpet, yogurt, egg whites, cheese.

My dinner last night was really good.
Sugar snap peas, snow peas, brown rice, egg, mushroom, onion, sweet pepper, tomato, edamame.

Ugh. Okay. This was short...and lengthy at the same time but I'm sore as hell and my motivation is downnnn so I'll be back tonight, probably.

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