Control, control, control. I need control and the only way I know to get it is through food. Not by eating food but by controlling food.
I've made it to 1,200 calories every day since I started trying to. It's been over a week and I'm keeping it up but I feel horrible. Physically I feel better. Not great but certainly better. But I feel guilty for eating. How sick is that....
Today I had a doctor's appointment. In the general list of questions they asked: "Do you have any personal history with Anorexia or Bulimia?"
I said:
".....yes..."
She said:
"which one?"
"......both....."
*Checks box*
I was in a panic. I mean she went on, it wasn't related to the appointment, it was no. big. deal. Why was I freaking? I have been to tons of doctors. I have...pretty bad luck with health and a terrifyingly low white blood cell count. I know I've been asked that hugely generic question before. As a matter of fact, I was there a month before and I'm sure they asked. So what was the problem?
I've never said yes before today.
What changed?
I think...I've admitted it now...I think I want it to be gone. I know I want it to be gone...I'm just a little afraid to let it go.
Ugh...well, since I am eating and this is a food blog, not a hear Kittie whine blog. Here is breakfast...
Ezekiel Cinnamon Raisin English Muffin, 1/2 mashed banana with cinnamon, home made jam, apple slices.And lunch...
Spinach, cucumber, tomato, onion, avocado, carrot, TJ's whole grain pita chip crumbles, tons of ground black pepper, steamed snow peas, and a life water.
Just wanted to say hi! I'm an avid reader but haven't ever commented before... I think you're so strong and totally understand your need for control. I've just started back at school and it's SO HARD sometimes! So far I've been too wimpy to create an actual blog (I just devour everyone else's!) but I'm hoping I'll get brave enough soon!
ReplyDeleteFor now, keep up the good work, it's inspiring to be able to relate to someone and not feel so alone :)
xx
Tell me if you start a blog! I'd love to read. Thanks for the comment. It feels nice to know someone else can relate.
ReplyDeleteim really impressed that u were honest after always answering NO in the past when asked about ur medical history. i was very shy about mine with doctors for a long time. when u truly feel like ur past isnt somethnig that defines you, you become more grounded in being honest and open about the past instead of fearful of how you will be viewed for it. its extremely hard tho and i definitely know the panic feeling that sets in. you did the right thing tho, thats for sure!!
ReplyDeletemmm cinnamon raisin english muffins <3 <3 mmm and ur cinnamon banana mash <3 <3 DROOL